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iCarly Abridged Episode 2!!!!!

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Disclaimer: I don’t own iCarly, but I’ll try to put up more episodes faster than they do!



iCarly The Abridged Series Episode Two: iRarely Air On TV And I Don't Know Why!



[Opening scene: iCarly is airing with Carly holding up a bra and a potato]



CARLY:

This, my friends, is what Sam always keeps on her at all times. She says it’s a ninja thing.



SAM:

It’s true! The rule to being a ninja is you never leave yourself unprotected, or hungry!



CARLY:

Well, that solves it. I’m never becoming a ninja because Sam eats all my food…



SAM:

Carls, can we talk about this later?



CARLY:

Sure, right after we observe this horrid mole on the 34 year old lobbyist suffering a mid-life crisis.




SAM:

Yeah, my girlfriend terrorizes the middle-aged man, even though he has one of the most annoying jobs in the country!

CARLY:

Our wonderful technical producer-



SAM:

Wonderful? He thinks he’s someone new every week!



FREDDIE:

And this week, I’m Toplin from that short movie "Gym Teach-



SAM:

No one cares, it’s time for me to hide my secret love for you by treating you like garbage!



CARLY:

Yeah, just push a button Freddie.



FREDDIE:

Pushing, my love!



[CUE LEWBERT CLIP]



LEWBERT:

But you promised you’d call me! IT’S BEEN THREE YEARS!



LADY:

(WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT)

Good heavens, no! I was intoxicated when I met you-



LEWBERT:

(LOOKING AT HER DOG)

Is that our son? WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER TELL ME WE HAD A SON!



LADY:

I never wanted you to find out!



LEWBERT:

(TO DOG)

I am your father, you obey me now! TALK! LIKE! I! DO!



CARLY:

Then things only got weirder…



[FREDDIE CHANGES THE CLIP]



LEWBERT:

COOKIE! I haven’t had a decent meal in weeks! (EATS COOKIE OUT OF A KID’S HAND)



BOY:

AH! The monster’s trying to eat me!



WOMAN:

I’ll call security, honey!



SECURITY GUARD:


(IN A DEEP, INTIMIDATING VOICE)


Hey, what’s going on that I was conveniently here to witness?



LEWBERT:

(POPS BALLOON)



COP:


(GASPS)

You popped a balloon! I’m going to arrest you!



CARLY:

You see, the man’s obviously gone crazy, and needs some serious medical help…



SAM:

So we’re gonna give him a heart attack, and bother him for no apparent reason, other than “kids rule”!


(SAM PICKS UP A PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER)



LEWBERT:

(ANSWERS, AND IS ALREADY DRUNK AT 9 PM)

Hello, what are you wear- AH!!!


(CARLY BLOWS AN AIRHORN INTO THE RECEIVER)



CARLY:

iCarly, a show where we broadcast the weirdos of the world-



SAM:

And bring dogs together with their biological fathers…



CARLY:

K, we’re done now, get out!



SAM:

Yeah, or we’ll do this to you!



LEWBERT:

(PICKS UP THE PHONE AGAIN)

Hey, I didn’t even get your num- AH!!!



(CARLY BLOWS THE AIRHORN AGAIN)



FREDDIE:

[QUICKLY]

Wait, I have to say in five, four, three, two, uhh what comes after-



[CUE “FRIENDS” THEME SONG]



[CUT TO NEXT SCENE, WHERE FREDDIE RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN, TO FIND CARLY AND SAM]



FREDDIE:

Hello, love of my life, did you enjoy watching me run like a spazz?



SAM:

Listen, doof, it is long overdue that we fight over Carly like it is implied we usually do-



FREDDIE:

Sam, stop breaking the fourth wall!



SAM:

No, you stop oogling my girlfriend-



FREDDIE:

My girlfriend!-



SAM:

No, mine!-



FREDDIE:

Why don’t you just admit you’re in love with me-



SAM:

I would, if you weren’t gonna say that in iWas a Pageant Girl-



FREDDIE:

Ha! You love me!



[THEY ARGUE INCESSANTLY, UNTIL CARLY SPRAYS THEM BOTH WITH WATER]



SAM:

Hey what gives, you hit him more than me!



FREDDIE:

Yeah! And that’s not even water!



CARLY:

How dare you two stop fighting over me! Oh, and Spencer always told me that making people wet always solves problems.



SAM:

Then why’d you hit the nerd?



FREDDIE:

Hey, I happen to enjoy- AH!



SAM:

AH!



[BOTH ARE SPRAYED AGAIN BY CARLY]



CARLY:

Now behave, or no dinner for you guys!

(CALLS OUT)

Spencer! Stop being a lazy bum, and come eat the dinner I slaved over!

(TO SAM AND FREDDIE)

Sam, flirt with my brother, and we’re over.



SAM:

No promises…



[SPENCER RUNS IN WITH A TOILET SEAT LID]



SPENCER:

I broke the toilet! Now what?



CARLY:

We’re gonna eat and discuss the point of this episode!



SAM:

And this is where Spam was born!



SPENCER:

I’m going to talk about gross things to ruin Freddie’s dinner! By the way, why do we always pick on him?



[FREDDIE IS HOLDING UP HIS FOOD, HORRIFIED, THEN PUTS IT DOWN]



SAM:

Because, until iWill Date Freddie, Freddie’s the kid everyone picks on until girls realize he is hot. Sam does not like this!



FREDDIE

[STABS AT FOOD]

I. ONLY. WANT. MEGAN.



SAM:

Ah, Freddie, again with the Megan?



SPENCER:

Who’s Megan, is she hot?



SAM:

Freddie thinks Carly is Megan . And you just called your sister hot!



FREDDIE:

I’m going to marry her! Anything you have to say to that?



SPENCER:

Awkward…



CARLY:

While this is still about me, we need a real plot here, so anything else?



SAM:

Yeah, I’m pregnant, Carls.



FREDDIE:

Megan, you look exquisite…



SAM:

Why don’tcha just marry her if you think she’s so hot?



FREDDIE:

Sam, you’re not supposed to be jealous, that is out of character for you!



SAM:

Oh, shut up and bend over already, comedic reli- AH!



[CARLY SPRAYS THEM ONCE… AGAIN]



CARLY:

I see that the spray bottle will be pivotal to the plot in this episode. Whatever, I’ll just say we’re going to get more viewers this week, and we’ll have a contest against each other to see who can get more people to watch the show.



SAM:

Shadi the main character, betches! That ensures me a win!



FREDDIE:

Ah, not my love muffin! Why do you always have to win?



SAM:

Because I’m the loveable bad (insert foghorn noise here) that everyone wants to succeed, even though I’m probably evil. Maybe.



SPENCER:

Ah, the classic boys versus girls match. I had a girl this week, but she didn’t like seeing me in my light up in the dark socks.



SAM:

Light up in the… dark?



[SPENCER UNVEILS HIS LIGHT UP IN THE DARK SOCKS]



SAM:

(THINKING)

That was sooo hot!!!



FREDDIE:

It’s settled, we’re going to have a contest!



SAM:

Not before one more obligatory joke about you and how I once wore your antibacterial-



[CARLY SPRAYS SAM]



CARLY:

We do not pick on friends. Also, you’re supposed to be fighting over me only, ok?



SAM:

(SHRUGS)

Only if you promise to do that again.



SPENCER:

Let’s have Lewbert be in the plot!



CARLY:

Hell no!

(SAYS RAPIDLY)

Loser touches Lewbert’s wart!



SAM:

Yeah, I’m switching to whatever team Spencer’s on, peace, Carls!



[CUT TO SCENE WHERE SPENCER RUNS UP TO FREDDIE IN SCHOOL]



[FREDDIE BUMPS HIS HEAD ON HIS LOCKER]



FREDDIE:

Ow! Spencer! If it was for your hot sister, I’d seriously kick your-



SPENCER:

(CUTTING HIM OFF)

I had a dream! We’re going to lose the contest anyways, so picture this: We make the biggest traffic jam, ever! Then we’ll break a world record!



FREDDIE:

No, we won’t because then we’ll have a record for that, and no point to iWant a World Rec-



SPENCER:

The sign can say “Marry me, Carly!”



FREDDIE:

That’s genius!

(THEN QUICKLY ADDS)

Make it say “Megan” or no deal.



SPENCER:

Whatever, weirdo, I get to explode things! YAY!



MISS BRIGGS:

Spencer, cutting again?



SPENCER:

Haha, no, I graduated! Good try though!



MISS BRIGGS:

I failed you six times, you didn’t graduate.



SPENCER:

Oh, right…



FREDDIE:

(NERVOUSLY)

Uh, I don’t know him…

(TO SPENCER)

Run before she expels you!



SPENCER:

I didn’t fail- oh yeah, Spenish class… That was you?



FREDDIE:

Don’t look directly into her eyes?



MISS BRIGGS:

Seriously, are you two wetting yourselves? Do I have to get some diaper-



FREDDIE:

Run, or she’ll get us both!

(PULLS SPENCER OUTSIDE)




[CUT TO SCENE WHERE CARLY AND SAM ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV]



[CARLY GRABS SAM’S WRIST]



CARLY:

I got it! Despite Seattle’s horrible weather, and the extreme unlikelihood of us realistically getting on a show that popular, we’re gonna make a big, non-water proof sign!



SAM:

Why’d you let go…?



CARLY:

Stop Sam, or there’ll be no point to having Freddie on the show.



SAM:

Whatever, I’m the cutest person on the-



CARLY:

[SPRAYS SAM WITH WATER... WHILE SAM IS SECRETLY WONDERING IF THIS IS CARLY’S MEANS OF FOREPLAY]



SAM:

Ok, so are you!



[CUE TO SCENE WHERE CARLY AND SAM ARE OUTSIDE THE STUDIO OF SEATTLE BEAT]



[THE SIGN GETS WET, AND WASHES AWAY]



CARLY:

Well, at least we gave homage to that video by T.a.t.U…



[CUT TO SCENE WHERE FREDDIE AND SPENCER ARE WORKING ON THEIR ELECTRONIC SIGN]



SPENCER:

(ZAPPED)

OW! Freddie, that shock hurt me, will you kiss my boo-boo?



[CARLY AND SAM ENTER THE ROOM, SOAKED]

CARLY:

We’re wet in more places than one.



SAM:

(THINKING)

Says you. Speaking of wet… its Spencer.



SPENCER:

I got a boo-boo…



FREDDIE:

Sam, you suck. Megan you don’t.



SPENCER:

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

I’m just gonna let this sign drop on you while I take my call.

(ON THE PHONE)

Oh hey, non-existent person! I’m not abusing a child. K, bye!



[CUT TO SCENE WHERE ICARLY IS WEBCASTING]



SAM:

Hey, this week I got a dude to dress up in a bunny suit!



CARLY:

True story, let’s see it!



SAM:

Nerd, that means you!



FREDDIE:

Who’s in denial?



[CUT TO BOYS ON SCREEN]



BOY IN BUNNY SUIT:

We’re sooo not high! I love iCarly! And bunnies! So do you think Carly can wear one?



CARLY:

Ok, so now we know Sam lost her privileges for the week.



SAM:

At least I enjoyed it!



CARLY:

So now we’re just gonna cut Sam off, and see what Spencer’s doing to fill up the duration of this webcast!



[CUT TO SPENCER WEARING HEADPHONES ON THE SCREEN]



SPENCER:

I’m eating a taco! What’s up Carly?



CARLY:

Spencer, what are you doing?




SPENCER:

I decided since we were going to lose, I’d make a traffic jam and get arrested! K, bye kiddo!



[PUSHES A BUTTON TO LIGHT UP HIS SIGN]



Hehe! I freaking win!




SAM:

Yep, that’s my best friend’s brother… For his sexy points, I give him a-

[PUSHES BUTTON OF HER REMOTE, WHICH YELLS OUT THE NUMBER 8]



Carly:

I get a 10, Spencer, Freddie.



[CARS BEGIN TO CRASH]


SPENCER:

[LOOKS AT WRECKAGE]



You saw nothing!


[DUCKS TO AVOID THE POLICE]



[CUE TO ICARLY TRIO IN KITCHEN]



SAM:

I can’t believe he got arrested... check it out!



FREDDIE:

Of course you’d say that.



SAM:

Freddie, if we keep fighting, people are gonna think we love-



CARLY:

Ok, that’s it. Keep making things obvious, because I’m leaving-



[OPENS DOOR TO SEE SPENCER AND OFFICER CARL. SPENCER WALKS IN AND WAVES]



OFFICER CARL:

This junkie your brother?



CARLY:

For five bucks, maybe.



OFFICER CARL:

Well, we’ve got no room for him at the pen, so we’re releasing him, despite the fact that he injured and potentially kill-

(You can’t say kill on a kid’s show!)



CARLY:

Nope, not my brother!



SPENCER:

I’m sorry, can we be BFFLS forever… please?



[OFFICER CARL BACKS OUT, THEN COMES BACK IN]



OFFICER CARL:

(SNIFFS LOTION, AND RUBS IT ON HANDS)

Haha, bet you wish you could do this, huh junkie! Mind freak!!!



SPENCER:

(WHISPERS LOUDLY)

He’s totally baked!



CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE:

We know…



CARLY:

Look at the comments we got about you Spence!



SAM:

(READS)

Dude, the bit with the foreign kid drinking spaghetti was ‘eh’, but when Spencer got arrested, I wet my pants!!!

Signed,

Toplin13



FREDDIE:

What a cool kid!



CARLY:

Freddie, the point of comments is to hear other people’s opinions. Anyways, this one reads “Carly and Sam, stop messing with people’s heads and just date already. Love, Camftw!”



SPENCER:

Hold on, what do you guys do on your show? And didn’t we all lose?



CARLY:

Well-



SAM:

We lost first, so I’m touchin’ it.



SPENCER:

Ooo, can we watch?



CARLY:

What the heck, why not? It’s not like we have any homework to do or anything.



FREDDIE:

What Megan said.



SPENCER:

Wait! I’ve gotta pee!



[THE ICARLY GANG, WITH SPENCER, RUNS OUTSIDE TO FIND A BUSH, AND WATCH SAM POP LEWBERT’S WART. END SCENE.]




So, installment II is up!!! Whatcha think webbers of the world?

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