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iCarly The Abridged Series Episode 4!!!

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Disclaimer: I haz cheezburger, but I no haz da iCarlyz. :P

No seriously, I don’t own iCarly, as much as I’ve asked for it for Christmas, and my birthday, and New Year’s, and Hannukah, and Rosh Hoshanna, and….



iCarly The Abridged Series Episode Four: iLook A LOT Like Sam



[OPENING SCENE: SAM IS WALKING PAST CARLY’S LOCKER]



SAM:

Mornin’ hotstuff…






CARLY:

Morning Sam.






SAM:

You know who sucks cheese?






CARLY:

Freddie?



SAM:

Yeah…



[SAM OPENS HER LOCKER, WHILE CARLY LOOKS ON CONFUSED]



CARLY:

Wait, didn’t you introduce your locker last week?




SAM:

No, that was a mistake by the company.



[SAM OPENS HER LOCKER TO SHOW CARLY IT’S HERS]



Ya see, I got it from a random crew member on the show.




CARLY:

Sam, that’s so sweet, but we see each other 24/7 already, don’t we?




SAM:

Yeah, but this is to show the older kids that I pick on Freddie just to get close to you. He and I have an agreement: We switch lockers, and he gets bullied for the next four years.




[CUT TO DUKE, THE WRESTLER, VOICED BY BARNEY FROM THE SIMPSONS]




DUKE:

They didn’t invite me to the party, so I got mad and did this!

[HITS LOCKERS RIGHT ABOVE FREDDIE]



RANDOM ASIAN JOCK:

[VOICED BY CHEECH]

Oh yeah? Well, my mommy says you do it like this!



[HITS LOCKERS RIGHT NEXT TO FREDDIE’S HEAD]



FREDDIE:

Uh, guys, don’t-



DUKE:

You hit like a girl! Girl!




RANDOM ASIAN JOCK:

My mom’s a girl! Hey!




[THEY FIGHT, AND FREDDIE IS SANDWICHED BETWEEN TWO JOCKS]



FREDDIE:

Hey! Wait! My character’s not gay! Seriously, I’m a main character! I refuse to be treated like-



[THE JOCKS CONTINUE FIGHTING, AND TUMBLE TO THE GROUND, WHILE CARLY AND SAM LOOK ON]



FREDDIE:

I feel so violated! Please don’t hurt me, I’m just a boy! I don’t wanna die from your stinky-!




CARLY:

Hey, they’re selling 2 for jock straps in the boy’s bathroom!




DUKE:

Jockstrapsay wha-?






DUKE AND RANDOM ASIAN JOCK:

SWEAT STAINS!!!




[FREDDIE OPENS HIS LUNCHBAG SOMBERLY, PULLING OUT CHOCOLATE PUDDING]



FREDDIE:

Mommy, they smashied my pudding, beat them up…




CARLY:

(IMPATIENTLY)

Hey, quit your crying or no icecream later on.



[HOLDS OUT HAND, WHICH FREDDIE TAKES. CARLY THEN LIFTS FREDDIE HALFWAY OFF THE GROUND]



LEXI:

OMG, Carly!




CARLY:

(THINKING)

Oh gosh, stalker chick…



(SAYS)

Yes?



LEXI:

Jake Krandle divorced that trashy Stephanie, like OMG!




CARLY:

OMG boy!



[CARLY LETS GO OF FREDDIE, AND RUNS TO THE GROUP OF GIRLS]



FREDDIE:

Mommy- ow!






CARLY: Tell me it isn’t so!




LEXI:

OMG is so! Which is great, because Jake’s been married, since like the third grade!



[THE GROUP OF GIRLS SCREAM, AND SAM WALKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR CIRCLE]




SAM:

(TRYING TO GET THEIR ATTENTION)

Hey, hey!

(SHOUTS)

Wait a minute!



Please tell me all you girls realize that this dude’s a total ripoff of me, and he’ll totally break your pretty hearts? Especially Carly’s itty bitty fragile-



[THE GIRLS SCREAM LOUDLY AGAIN]



CARLY:Are you displeased by the results of the poll?




SAM:

My heart is shattered. I think I need a minute…



(LOOKS BACK AT GIRLS)



[CUE FRIENDS THEME SONG]



[CUT TO SCENE WHERE JAKE IS TALKING TO A GROUP OF GUYS]




JAKE:

And I then I said, “It’s cool.” Cool, right?




[CARLY AND SAM SLOWLY MOVE FORWARD FROM A DARK CORNER]




CARLY:

(WHISPERING)

No one can see us making out here! Success!




[CARLY LOOKS ON AGAIN, TAKING A BITE OF HER APPLE]




Look, I know we said we’d be exclusive-




SAM:

But-?




CARLY:

For some reason I have a strong urge to cook pastries on his stomach! Please don’t be jealous!




SAM:

I’d eat whatever you made…

[NODS IN AFFIRMATION]



But, I don’t want him in our group. Wanna say your last goodbye?



CARLY:

What? Sam, don’t be unreasonable, I want his children! He could be my true love…



SAM:

Carls, don’t make me hit a nub with an apple…



CARLY:

What’re you-




[SAM TAKES CARLY’S APPLE, AND THROWS IT AT JAKE’S HEAD, CAUSING HIM TO TURN AND LOOK AT THEM]



SAM:

Carly hates you!



[THEY SHOVE AND JOSTLE EACH OTHER, BEFORE SAM BREAKS FREE, AND RUNS AWAY]




JAKE:

I think you threw an apple at my head.




CARLY:

Yeah, so you won’t marry me? I’ll just go to class, then…



JAKE:

Hold on.



CARLY:

Woo, he didn’t say no!



JAKE:

Your name’s Carly Shay?



CARLY:

Well, it’s good for us to learn each other’s names, you know, for our vows… What’s going on yours?



JAKE:

Um, you’re like a celebrity on iCarly, and I was thinking…




CARLY:

Oh, go on… I won’t vomit, I promise.




JAKE:

Could you aim away from the hair?




CARLY:

Yeah sure, so about our wedding?



[SAM REEMERGES FROM THE CORNER, AND LOOKS ON WHILE JAKE AND CARLY CONTINUE THEIR CONVERSATION]



You should see my brother, and visit our apartment first, and you can be on iCarly, even if you suck kindof…



JAKE:

Oh, I suck?



CARLY:

Well, yeah, but we can still put you on. I mean, we’re letting Gibby on soon.



[SAM SMILES WHILE LOOKING ON]



JAKE:

I’ll consider your proposal.




CARLY:

Kthanks.




JAKE:

So I’ll be on iCarly?




CARLY:

You sure will be…



[SAM RUNS DOWN THE STEPS TO CARLY, EXCITED]




SAM:

What’d he say? Can I give him a wedgie bounce on the show?




CARLY:

I proposed, and he said he’ll think about it!



[CARLY SCREAMS IN JOY, SAM IN FEAR]



[CUE ADMINISTRATOR WALKING IN]



And then I said, “I’m a lady, we girls don’t do that.”




SAM:

Uhuh, and boys have cooties… they’re so gross, I wouldn’t kiss theee-



[THE ADMINISTRATOR WALKS AWAY, AND THE GIRLS SCREAM AGAIN]



[CUT TO SCENE WITH CARLY AND SPENCER WORKING ON A SCULPTURE]



CARLY:

Ok, so what’s the point of this game again?



SPENCER:

This one time, I passed out, and woke up in this exact position. I think I was duck hunting…

(DISTORTS BODY, SIMILAR TO THE SHAPE OF THE SCULPTURE )



CARLY:

Yeah, for that story, we should at least point out your amazing abilities with your butt.



SPENCER:

Done!

(TURNS ON RADIO WITH HIS HIPS)

Butt music!!!



This is war, lil’ sis! I was a pro at fingerpainting!



CARLY:

Oh, that explains so much about you…



[DOORBELL RINGS AND CARLY ANSWERS THE DOOR]



Oh hey Ja- AH! I can’t talk to you!




JAKE:

Look, I know about Sa-



[DOOR IS SLAMMED IN HIS FACE, THEN CARLY REOPENS THE DOOR]



CARLY:

Just kidding, wait there!



SPENCER:

What happened?




CARLY:

The boy who looks like my girlfriend is right outside!




[CUT TO OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT, WHERE FREDDIE LEAVES HIS APARTMENT AND NOTICES JAKE]



FREDDIE:

Hey, why is someone hot like you outside my fair lady’s door?




JAKE:

I’m just here for Car-




FREDDIE:

It’s Paige, James. This is not Zoey101, and you’re not getting the lead girl ever.



[CARLY EXITS HER APARTMENT]



CARLY:

Ok, so I’m all prettied up to get marri-




FREDDIE:

I’ve got it all under control. James here knows we’re in love…



CARLY:

Right, Jake, come inside?




FREDDIE:

(TALKING WHILE THE DOOR IS CLOSING ON HIM)

I don’t even know what you see in him, because he looks just like Sam anyw-



Whatever, darling. You just wait until you and Sam need a webcam set up in your room… ‘Cause I’m the tech guy…



[WALKS AWAY LIKE A CHAMP]




JAKE:

Ok, what’s that?



CARLY:

Uh, nothing let’s go upstairs and-




SPENCER:

Hold on, what happened to Sam-?




CARLY:

Exnay on the ex-girlfrienday!



SPENCER:

Ok, but can I touch his soft blonde-



[SPENCER ACCIDENTALLY FLICKS PAINT ON JAKE]



CARLY:

Right, we’re going now, psycho! Kbye.

(TO JAKE)

Sorry, he’s… artists are just weird, ok?




[CUT TO CARLY AND JAKE IN THE ICARLY STUDIO]




CARLY:

And to your left is where our wedding photo will be.




JAKE:

I just want to be famous, dude…




CARLY:

Yeah, and there’s our car, aw, Sam and I used to sit there…




JAKE:

Hey, what’s this thing?




CARLY:

Oh, uh, you don’t wanna touch tha-



[JAKE PUSHES A BUTTON, AND A LOUD, TERRIFIED SCREAMING NOISE IS MADE]



Yeah, like I said, Sam’s into some weird-



[JAKE PUSHES THE BUTTON AGAIN, AND A GENERIC CARLY VOICE IS HEARD, SAYING “YES, SAM PUCKETT IS A HAIR AND SEX GODDESS. I MUST WORSHIP HER. WORRRSHIIIPPP.”]



CARLY:

Ok, I think we’ve had enough fun with buttons-



JAKE:

Oh, uh that might be a problem-



[GOES TO SIT ON THE CAR AND A RECORDING OF SAM YELLS “GET THE B***P OFF MY CAR!]



CARLY:

[TURNS OFF THE CAR ALARM]

Yeah, she’s uh, well- she’s not my girlfriend!



JAKE:

I’ll marry you, if you let me on your show to sing… cause, you know, every hot guy can sing and play guitar…



CARLY:

Well, although it’d annoy Freddie and Sam who fight over me every chance they- yes!



JAKE:

Kthanks.



[PUSHES A BUTTON ON SAM’S REMOTE, AND A CAR CRASH NOICE IS MADE]



Hehe, bet your girlfriend isn’t famous like I’ll be-



[REMOTE FALLS]

Uh, either she’s here, or this place is cursed…



CARLY:

“I like it on the floor!”



(WAITS A BEAT)

Nope, not here.




[CUT TO SPENCER WITH A SCULPTED PAPER MACHETE ON HIS HEAD]



SPENCER:

Woo!!! I’m an astronaut!!




SAM:

Shush, I need a rebound, and you’re the only person not into…

(OBSERVES HIS SCULPTED HEAD)

Carly… Yeah, I don’t think that looks hot at all




SPENCER:

Dude, can’t you see I’m a super astronaut with fantastical powers?



SAM:

Look, I’m just here to find my girlfriend, and maybe a hot nerd.



SPENCER:

But- what about me? Look, I have tubes in my head like an ant? That’s gotta be cute?



SAM:

Yeah, I’m going before this Spam starts to develop.



SPENCER:

Feed me some coffee?



SAM:

Meh, alright



[POURS COFFEE INTO TUBE, AND SPENCER CHOKES]



SPENCER:

Ah, the astronaut is drowning!!!



[CUT TO ICARLY STUDIO WHERE JAKE IS TUNING HIS GUITAR]




FREDDIE:

So, you steal my girlfriend, make my mortal enemy cry, and play your stupid guitar on my webcast. What, do ya think you’re cool now?



JAKE:

Uh, duh?



FREDDIE:

Dude, I hate you!




JAKE:

Well, your girlfriend sure doesn’t seem to-




FREDDIE:

I’ll back slap you right now, no joke!

… I need some tissues.



[CUT TO CARLY AND SAM IN AN ELEVATOR, WHILE CARLY IS APPLYING HER LIPGLOSS]



SAM:

I’m glad to see you reconsidered this whole issue…



CARLY:

Sam, Jake and I are still getting married… Hm?



SAM:

You’re in love with me, though…



CARLY:

I’m not in love.



(CORRECTING HERSELF)

With you.



[CARLY AND SAM ENTER THE ICARLY TO THE STUDIO, WHILE FREDDIE CHECKS THE MIC]



FREDDIE:

This kid’s a nub! This kid’s a nuuub! A total nuuub!



SAM:

He’s not a complete jerk too?




FREDDIE:

Well, the only way he’d be classified as a jerk would be if he kiss-



SAM:

NO. Just, no.



JAKE:

So, am I getting a contract?



CARLY: Seeing as I agreed to this without thinking, we have to check if you really suck or not, ok hubby?



JAKE:

[SETS UP GUITAR]

Hey ladies and babes… I’m Jake, and this will be all your pleasure tonight.




[PLAYS AND SINGS HORRIBLY, WHILE THE TRIO LOOK ON IN BOTH HORROR AND AMUSEMENT]



(AFTER HE FINISHES)

Sexy, huh?



[CARLY AND SAM GIVE A WEAK THUMBS UP]



FREDDIE:

(CLAPPING)

Oh, I knew you would suck…



[CUT TO LATER, WHERE THE TRIO IS STILL IN THE STUDIO WITH JAKE]



JAKE:

So, like, am I famous now?



FREDDIE:

You could sing my mom to sleep, and she listens to hymn songs!



SAM:

You suck, so please leave!



JAKE:

I’ll go warm up for the girls out there- I mean Carly…



[THEY ALL ENCOURAGE HIM TO LEAVE, SAM AND FREDDIE NEGATIVELY, CARLY, POLITELY]




SAM:

Well, I think we’ve eliminated another guy in our fight for Carly, alright. Does he suck more than my mom on a bad day?



SAM AND FREDDIE:

Yes!



CARLY:

Nyeah, that’s my future husband!



SAM:

Uh, I promised to be a virgin for you, then you went and proposed to him. He’s lucky he still has his wallet and underwear.



CARLY:

C’mon Sam…



[DRAGS SAM OVER TO THE SIDE]



You and Freddie can’t be jealous forever…



SAM:

(URGENTLY)

Cupcake…




CARLY:

I’m marrying him, no questions. Now please, if you could get over that, and him being a horrible singer?



SAM:

Ahem, if you do, all I’ll keep doing is have nightmares about soup!



CARLY:

Sam, you romantic-!

(LOOKS OVER)

Oh, an elevator!



SAM: Gotcha babe, I’ll push him, and we’ll be worry free!



FREDDIE:

I second that.



CARLY:

I’d be all for it, if it weren’t illegal. Just, shut it down or something so he doesn’t make our show suck.



SAM:

I love you…



CARLY:

We, the three of us work. At least we can all sing, and have a webshow…



FREDDIE:

So, we’re not killing him a little?



[CUT TO CARLY AND SAM DOWNSTAIRS WITH JAKE]



SAM:

Hey loser!



CARLY:

We don’t need to get married!




JAKE:

I changed my shirt to tie dye. Ya like?



SAM:

Sucks!



CARLY:

I hate tie dye, but cute…



[JAKE TRIES TO GO UP THE STAIRS, BUT CARLY AND SAM BLOCK HIM]



SAM:

Woah, main characters only! Take the elevator, bub.



CARLY:

Just do what she says. She won’t take your money that way. Ok, maybe I lied…



[CARLY OPENS THE ELEVATOR FOR JAKE]



JAKE:

Usually girls kill to join me…



SAM:

Uh, we need tissues…



CARLY:

And that doesn’t mean something bad…



[CARLY AND SAM PRETEND TO BLOW THEIR NOSES UNTIL JAKE IS GONE]



SAM:

Quick, how can I electrocute him?



CARLY:

Uh, behind the thingy?



[SAM FINDS A BREAKER BOX, AND OPENS IT]



SAM:

Which button blows things up?



CARLY: Red, stupid!



[SAM PUSHES A BUTTON, AND THE POWER GOES OUT]



JAKE:

Dude! Is the world ending? I can’t die young!



CARLY:

Yes, so don’t move!



[CARLY AND SAM RUN UPSTAIRS. MEANWHILE, THE PHONE RINGS, AND SPENCER ATTEMPTS TO GET IT]



SPENCER:

Dad, I did i-!

[FALLS OVER THE COFFEE TABLE]



[IN THE STUDIO]



FREDDIE:

Is he really dead?



SAM:

He will be soon, now fight with me.



FREDDIE:

Why, if we teamed up this episode?




CARLY:

Not again, this episode’s focused on me. So, what’s our segment now that he’s gone?



SAM:

Making out with Freddie.



FREDDIE:

Don’t think so...



SAM:

Is so happening!



[THE TRIO IS INTERRUPTED BY JAKE IPENING THE ELEVATOR,AND POPPING OUT]



JAKE:

I wasn’t going to disappoint my fans. And my lady…

CARLY:

Yeah, you’re gross now…



JAKE:

I’m just like Sam, but not violent. Plus you have to make me sing or I’ll sue…



SAM AND CARLY:

(THINKING)

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUC-



(SAYS)

Yeah…



JAKE:

Yep. My lawyer’s a lady with no foot. She’s old, and calls me grandson for some reason. None of my grandma’s look old. But she’s sue your pants off.



[SAM AND CARLY ‘AW’ AT THE SAME TIME, IN DISTRESS]



CARLY:

Wait, if she’s your grandma-



SAM:

She can’t save your douche self…



JAKE:

(NERVOUSLY)

K, I can always just sue you now…






CARLY:

Uh, we’re having a team meeting outside…



FREDDIE:

I thought only you and Sam had-



[SAM PUSHES FREDDIE OUTSIDE]



SAM:

Let me kill that nub!




CARLY:

We’d get sued!



SAM:

And our show would lose views! He’s a guy me!



CARLY:

You can sing, though! Freddie, just auto-tune him or something.



SAM:

Freddie… show the world you’re gullible…




FREDDIE:

What am I a nerd? If you “kiss” me, then “maybe” I won’t be a virgin!



CARLY:

Jealous isn’t cute.



FREDDIE:

My offer stands.



CARLY:

I can’t.



FREDDIE:

Then, hell to the no!



SAM:

Either fight or kiss, c’mon!



FREDDIE:

I only need one-



CARLY:

No.



FREDDIE:

To show mom-



CARLY:

No.



FREDDIE:

Ok, but I’m not crazy.



[THEY GO BACK INTO THE STUDIO. CUT TO THE TRIO AIRING ICARLY]



CARLY:

So, next on the show-




SAM:

Carly and I are gonna “fight” live on the internet!



CARLY:

Yep! Even though it’s definitely illegal!



SAM:

Psh, psyche! Gotcha weirdos!



CARLY:

Yeah, you guys can skip this part.



SAM:

We’re only letting some dude Jake sing.



CARLY:

Yeah, it’s not that awesome… Jake…



[CARLY AND SAM CLAP UNENTHUSIASTICALLY, WHILE JAKE ENTERS]



JAKE:

Hot girls, ladies, this song is for all of you… And for that old lady with no foot? I’ve got your phone number…



[STRUMS GUITAR]



CARLY:

Hit the button thingy now!



FREDDIE:

“Whatever, my love!”



[JAKE SINGS, BADLY]



CARLY:

Does he sound less horrible?



[FREDDIE HANDS HER HEADPHONES TO LISTEN TO JAKE’S VOICE AUTO-TUNED]



[CUT TO SPENCER, DOWNSTAIRS]

SPENCER:

Aw, pretty voices in space! Lalala-

[CHOKES ON WATER]



It’s not water! Or butter!




[CUE BACK TO THE TRIO UPSTAIRS, WHILE JAKE IS SINGING]



CARLY:

Time for cute Creddie!



[KISSES FREDDIE’S NOSE]



[CUT TO “GRAMMY ONE FOOT”]



GRAMMY ONE FOOT:

He got my messages! YES! YES! YE-



[FALLS OVER]



[CHANGE SCENE TO CARLY AND SAM ENTERING SCHOOL]



SAM:

Ugh, I hate mornings. And anything not involving sleep, sex, or bacon.



CARLY:

Ah, I provide all three for you don’t I?



SAM:

It’s settled, you’re my soul mate. Uh…

[CARLY LOOKS OVER TO SAM’S VIEW, TO SEE JAKE KISSING HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND]



CARLY:

What the hell! I proposed to him last night and he’s back with that trash filth chick, who’s his ex-wife! No idiot remarries their ex-wife, what kind of moron does that? !



SAM:

Aw, Cupcake… You got ten minutes to spare?



CARLY:

Not now…



[SAM WALKS AWAY, AND CARLY WALKS UP TO JAKE]



Uh, Jake?



[GIRLS WALK UP TO JAKE, EXCITEDLY]



LEXI:

OMG, you’re so hot, like-



UNNAMED GIRL:

Oh my gosh.



LEXI:

Call me!



UNNAMED GIRL:

No, me!



CARLY:

Ok…



JAKE:

It happens a lot…



CARLY:

Yeah, whatever, you’re super hot, and you look like a guy version of Sam, and we broke up because you’re a worse singer.



JAKE:

Well, I kinda told everyone that you and Freddie made out, so I’m all good.



CARLY:

Pfft, made out? That kid got a nose kiss. More than Sam and I can do on screen, but still more action than you’d get too.



JAKE:

Whatever, I’m hotter than you both…



[JAKE WALKS AWAY, TO A DISTRESSED CARLY]



CARLY:

Is that all you got? C’mon, come at me dude, I could cut you!




Sorry for the long delay!!! Thanks for the reviews and support guys! ^_^

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